5th Circular Letter, June 2009

Dear friends,

This is just a little note to keep everyone updated. In the last weeks our life has been a whirl wind of encounters and activities and we are just starting to try to find back into some kind of daily life.  After the news that my cancer had spread via the blood stream into my lungs things started accelerating and settling at the same time.

The 6 days in hospital to get the pain under control I experienced very different from the time I was in the hospital after the operation. I encountered huge kindness and support and all kinds of exceptions and special arrangements were made possible. We arranged all talks with doctors and nurses in a team, Marieke and my friend Tim were always present, that changed the whole dynamic and the subtle power relations. I did not feel and act as a victim and was not treated as one.  I can only recommend to have advocates by your side when dealing with the medical system. The experience has healed my hospital trauma and taken away my fear of  hospitalisation. In a way I feel I have a kind of “home” there now, I know the staff, they know me, and they have really been a tremendous help in getting the pain under control.

When there is the pain I am in great misery and tend to get very grumpy and it shapes all outlook and experience. Without the pain I experience an intense and very loving process of celebrating life in all its aspects while at the same time letting go, gently.

The birthday preparations, the party and the lovely and often surprising visits from near and far were very exciting, invigorating and uplifting . And I received a beautiful collective ritual. We enjoyed it all tremendously!! Pictures are up at www.monikajaeckel.com (another present of our friend Tim). My friend Ingrid from Munich is working on a more elaborate photo gallery, so keep checking the website. It is a work in progress and I enjoy the medium both as a way to create a kind of library of the many things I have written in my life, as well as a way to process and digest things that are bubbling up in my soul now. Soon we also want to make the website more interactive. The website is still under construction and very much a work in progress.

You can view the birthday pictures under this link and have some fun with this link too.

The many letters, presents, poetry, drawings, garden produce, music, flowers, pieces of art, healthy and not so healthy snacks, drinks, packages, cards and greetings for my birthday I received are heart warming. I need to let you know that I take it all in and feel each of you individually, but do not have the energy level anymore to answer each of you individually. I really wish I could, because your letters and gifts are so beautiful and I feel so much exquisite love coming from each of you and I can feel the care and thoughtfulness going into your messages and gifts and I would like to respond to each one, but it is simply overwhelming and I can’t manage it. Time wise as well as energy wise. So I am sending you my thank you and my love via this circular letter.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!

I would like to take the opportunity to ask if I may quote from your mails on my new website?? It is really still under construction, but I envision a section mirroring some of the processes happening in my correspondence over the last months. Please let me know if you would have objections to being quoted. Please don’t hesitate to let me know, if you don’t want to be quoted, or if you don’t want to be quoted by name.  I will really understand.

Marieke and I had the privilege of joining the Dalai Lama (together with10 000 others) for a full day when he visited Amsterdam. He creates such a wonderful heart space, it is so nourishing. And we just returned from a one week retreat with my meditation school.  Marieke came along  to give me the back up support I needed, I would not have otherwise been able to attend. It was wonderful that she was there. It was a lovely time for us together as well as in the group, Marieke was warmly welcomed and received and I enjoyed being able to share it all with her.  The teaching blended beautifully with my process and has helped me relax even more, we both come back enriched and supported. There were beautiful exchanges and sharing with co students, teachers and the whole group, it was truly a gift that we were able to be there.

So with all that we are a bit exhausted and now try to find some kind of rhythm and regularity. Marieke has gone back to work, so we have set up a system of “Monicare”,  some times by friends from Germany and the US who will be visiting for some time, some times the local friends who come for the day to keep me company and help us out in the daily chores, like shopping and cooking and making sure I eat and drink enough and take my pills. It is wonderful to be so taken care of!

The pain is happening in different parts of the body now, so the pain management has to go to another level. I will get radiation next week also on the left shoulder which hopefully will help. The tumors are continuing to grow, so the progesterone does not seem to help much. But with the help of Tim we are also investigating alternative  and supportive treatments to try to slow down the growth and further spreading of the tumours.  I am feeling quite tired, but have also been able to sleep very well lately which  feels absolutely delicious. I cannot do things in long stretches, need a lot of rest in-between,  but do not feel drugged out or so and in my energy phases still feel quite active.

Inside I am peaceful most of the time. I feel very carried and supported. It is wonderful and very trust building to see and experience how the angels are orchestrating everything, inside and outside. We feel truly blessed and I can feel my trust growing and my openness and curiosity towards the mystery. We are enjoying our Amsterdam, our friends, each other, and every single day and marvel at how quickly the days go by.

Big hug to you all!